I will not become one of those people, my people, who are miserable.
Who have crisis’ far deeper than my jokey ’existential-crisis’ and who feel
they have no purpose to their lives, who mill at home doing nothing, and have
lists of things to complain about, starting from their past lives and working
their way up. Yet… I have not showered in 3 days. During this time I haven’t been
in for supper, nor have I been out of
bed before midday. What do I do all day, people ask me. Nothing I respond. I don’t
do anything with my life. I joke about all the free time I have, ‘you tell me
when you’reavailable because it’s not like I’m doing anything with my life, ha
de haha’.
I push away the people who know me best, perhaps because I don’t
want them to see me like this, or because I don’t want to see them like this.
In retrospect I can judge others for falling into this trap.
How, why can they just sit at home doing nothing all day. There is so much to
do in joburg you only have to go out and find it. No wonder they’re having
breakdowns, what with staring at their bedposts all day, and living for
nothing. Putting things off until you can’t even remember what was supposed to
be preventing you from doing them in the first place. Waiting for things to
happen without making them happen. Complaining. Wishing. I promise I’ll be
pro-active when….
Things I’ve always wanted to
do/explore/experience/experiment with… such as delving into the refugee issue
in Joburg, volunteering from home, getting exercise, practising soccer,
cooking, exploring joburg CBD, planting… I’ve always been too busy to do these,
but now that I have time…
I don’t know what’s lacking, perhaps motivation. I don’t know
whether it is because I’ve tired myself out doing and doing and doing this
year, and that I need a break OR, and most likely, because I’ve stopped.
After-all, sleeping is what makes you tired.
There is only so long that I can blame it on the Space. And
say, its joburg, it’s the transport problems here, I need to leave, once I’m elsewhere,
things will be ok. And I will learn again, and I will do again. Because at some
point, I have to stop running, and let my roots get a little soil, and use that
to nourish myself to grow and built and photosynthesise. Though it’s not
self-growth I’m worried about, its productivity. You’re only young once ne, so
make the most of your time.
But it’s all about a catalyst, something to ignite a
process. Because I do have some ideas and theories waiting to be put into
practise. I do have some clean clothes in my cupboard waiting to be tried on. I
do have a full geyser of warm water, and I can step into the shower any time I
want. It’s a scary world out there, past the warm soapy water, and once I get
in, I’m committed to trying out that world again, and holding on, and not
letting go again, not falling back into the realm of dirty pyjamas. That’s the
hardest part, it’s easy to try half-heartedly to clean up my act, but to stay
out there, to put on fresh jeans and a bra EVERY SINGLE DAY, is hard work. But
I’ve got it in me, we all do, and I won’t fall into that existentialist trap, because
there are things to be done, and places to go.
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